Clown Robots and the Land of the Lost

My Son Miles made this picture. He’s five so he’s not some sort of 2 year old crayon savant or anything but he put a lot more thought in to this drawing than I gave him credit.

First he explained the clown, showing me that it was a clown robot with all the trimmings: swords, blades, rockets. Then he told me about the ground under the robot feet: green grass, then dirt, then rocks, then LAVA. Pretty good, little one. I had to tell him about Sleestacks and that they live somewhere between the rocks and the dirt.

I told him that clown robots were pretty creepy. He told me, “no dad, clown robot MONSTERS are creepy!” I stand corrected.

Book of Daniel

So I went to this bible study on Daniel and last night and we get to chapter 7, 8, and 9, you know, the freaky deeky stuff. Lions, Leopards and hunched over bears fighting each other like an Ultra Man battle sequence. While we listened to the theories of what all this means there was this couple of ladies who interrupted over and over again with alternative views to the teacher. The questions part was fine. I liked hearing that the Lions alternatively represent England and the Bears represent the Soviet Union. Interesting...

But then we got more into and they became more defiant. They challenged the teacher more and more throughout the night and people started groaning each time the ladies raised their hands.

After the study I waited around to ask my burning question (‘At what point does Kirk Cameron come into Daniel’s vision?’) only to be cut in front of by the ladies. I use the term ladies because I vowed not to cuss to get laughs. I’ll do just about anything else but that.

They cut in front of me like I was the make-a-wish foundation. Not Cool.

I spoke to one of the ladies for almost 4 minutes. She said her Husband was was 100% preterist. I told her how sorry I was and asked how long he had to live. Like most sarcasm, this too was lost on the passionate. She asked me if I knew what Preterism was and I told her it was a joke. She didn’t laugh. Then she told me that I had a ‘strange point of view’ for not ‘believing that Jesus already came back’ in like 34 AD and then something about the sacrifices being reinstated. I asked her, “so now that sacrifice has been reinstated, what have you been sacrificing? Alpacas?”

(Crickets chirping...) And I never got to tell my Kirk Cameron joke.

Pacific Resources

I sat in a meeting yesterday for four long hours justifying my job again. I don’t mind it, so it is to live in a corporation. But in this meeting I had just one take away: business people don’t need to learn formal English in order to run a business. I’m not talking about immigrants (most likely Canadian) who are coming to the country and taking our comedian jobs. I mean people who have lived here their whole life. These are the people who never bothered to memorize the difference between their, there, and they’re or two, to, and too.

These words they spoke were like angry ferret nails on a brand new sun burn. And all I could do to keep it in was to remember God’s grace, God’s mercy. It really helped me get through it.

God is so good to me.

“Let me ‘confer’ you too some ‘pacific’ resources.”

Dang I’m awesome.

Morrisey and the Eagles

A few years back I remember talking to a friend of mine who plays with a big Christian artist.

(I just earned a ‘no name-dropping’ star).

I asked him what style of music he preferred to compose. Since this artist was just trying to ‘find his place in this world’ (take the star back) and had a very mainstream audience, I wanted to find out how one of his band members differed from the mainstream.

I’ve always wondered how any performer can find people who truly dig his/her music. Do the musicians of Shakira love the music? What about the people pretending to play with the Jonas Brothers or Ashley Simpson? Do they really respect the artists for whom they perform?

So I asked my friend from the “Michael W Smurf” band. He said his personal style was a lot like Phil Collins.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

(expletive) Phil Collins?!!?! really? That’s your thing!?!? Listening to PC is like like eating a dry, cold bagel with butter and sand on it. This may sound a lot nicer than I mean it but there are only a few performers I would like NEVER to be saved, or, at least not until the performer is on his or her death bed. Phil Collins is number one on that hit list.

Solemnly consider what would happen. He’d be doing crappy covers of Heart of Worship and Shout to the Lord and every mother of a deadbeat in his 30s would have hope again.

Here’s my official list. Singers/Artists I hope do NOT become saved until death bed:

1. Phil Collins - sand butter, remember?
   
2. The Cyrus' - both Father and Daughter.
3. P-Diddy - It would be MC Hammer all over again.
   
4. Morrisey - The equivalent of a blues singer making Christian music. And you know he'd keep the hair.
   
5. The Eagles. Do you really want to hear the “revised” version of Hotel California?

End the Madness

Thrown under the bus.

I've used this phrase often. My wife uses this phrase. EVERYONE IS USING IT! So let’s just retire it and call it a day before things get out of hand.

Do we want our parents using this side-splitting reference?

I rest my case.

Besides, did this ever actually happen? There are all kinds of phrases that work their way into the English language that have origins in history. In fact I've never heard a bus driver use the term. You know why? Because IT NEVER HAPPENED. NEVER.

Do we want a nation of shopkeepers all saying the same thing: The laundry mat forgot to get out the lipstick stain on my collor. They threw me under the bus. Let’s nip this in the bud right now and stop the bleeding. It’s time to rain in on this parade and stop treating this series of words like a sacred cow. These emerging cliches need to end like the plague.

God’s Beautiful Countryside

God really does have a way with making beautiful things. From clouds that billow to rivers that stream seemingly forever, never the same way twice. I think God really does design us to see this type of beauty as awe inducing. It reminds me how small we all are and how little control or affect we humans have. Even changes in seasons are never ending and beautiful. All this is stuff that the West takes for granted. The only land worth saving requires a law or an injunction.

Wouldn’t it be awesome to have the locals build a ramp (skateboard or other) so you could literally ride all the way down from the top of a mountain to the bottom. Or, better yet, how about ripping everything up in a four by four. Yeah.

Mother Theresa

Yeah. I got nothing.

Blind People

A radio talk show host was talking about how it says in the bible not to put a stumbling block in front of a blind person. He worked the blind bit it into his rant but I was interested to look it up. Radio guy was totally right. It’s in Leviticus, “Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind.” Interesting...People actually did that sort of thing to blind people. That is pretty messed up. I wondered how rare this act of unseen (pardon mon pun) terrorism was. But then I searched in the bible and found several instances. This was apparently a rampant problem back in bible times.

Ezekiel 3:20 "and I put a stumbling block before him...”

Romans 14:13 “make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way.”

2 Corinthians 6:3 “put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited.”

Dang. I had no idea. And who made the stumbling blocks? You know there had to be some guy in every town who made these blocks out of wood. "How big of a blind person? Ahh I have just the thing."

How do you take pride in work like that. "I've been a member of the stumble block-maker's guild for 22 years." But upon more investigation, check out what I found. The guild is still around! This is their seal:

Cult Leaders Got it going on...

You’re old. Dating is tough,especially in today’s day and age. You’ve diverted from God at some point and whatever is wrong with you is probably not covered by medicare. Your future is unclear and there are bills to pay. What options do you have?

You begin to ponder: I could start my own cult. That’s it! You mull over your qualifications: I took drama in high school, my friend’s children say I’m creepy, and I don’t even like coffee. I CAN DO THIS!

People start to hang on your every word. You have a growing following. Women commit themselves to you so you suddenly make multiple marriages a recent ‘revelation.’

Soon the followers of your cult ask where they should buy property so that you can build the compound you’ve always wanted.

You subtly suggest bling, you get bling.

You mention more wives, you get more wives.

Anything you want is at your fingertips.

Now the question still remains: If you had all this at your finger tips, why would you insist people dress like Little House on the Prairie?

Eye for an Eye

I was thinking about Ghandi and what he stood for. I was also reminded of the phrase, “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” Very insightful. I think about all the times when I would like to get revenge for the wrong someone committed. Sometimes I play the scenario back in my mind, playing judge and jury. I think, if only I had said THIS or if only I had done THAT. Then I get a short-lived satisfaction from it as though what was imagined really just happened.

I spent a great deal of my life in bitterness. As a Christian I worked very hard to hide it. Sometimes when my pettiness peaked out it would shove it’s head back inside so quickly that I could rely on my charm or humor to cover it up. I’ve hurt a great many people. And I’ve said sorry to a lot of people.

My kids see a different side of me, different than the person I used to be. I’m glad because I’ve changed for the better. I’d say I’m much more proactive and I no longer search for ways to get people back after the fact.

If I had to re-word this phrase about an ‘eye for an eye,’ I would put it like this: "An eye for an eye does make the world blind. So my personal goal would be to be the last guy with one eye. Then I could just pretend I was blind. I’d be the only one who knew which people were ugly."

Eat my dust SUCKUHS!